the movement

In the movement
There is constant flurry
To pause is unthinkable
They say - be still and be waste

In the movement
Rush to get ahead of it all
Work for the future
Declare the present to be dead

Eyes will not focus
Thoughts will not rest
Allow nothing to pass
Without continual stirring

But pause and dare to defy
Destroy the spell of the movement
For if true life is to emerge
The movement cannot last

Eyes will now focus
Thoughts will now rest
Allow nothing to pass
Without enduring calm

Yes, enduring calm
For the movement cannot last

reject apathy

"Even a student earning $105 a week is wealthier than 85 percent of the world."

As I was reading an article on rejectapathy.org, I came across this stat. It made me uncomfortable.

This isn't just about Americans being wealthy. I know that. We all do. It's about me. I'm a college student who has the means to make 100 bucks a week. And, based on that alone, I am richer than 85 percent of the world.

There's some cliche saying that with wealth comes a lot of responsibility, and it's true. With this knowledge, I realize I have to do something. I cannot sit with any sense of entitlement and spend all my money on me. Nor can I just turn a blind eye and pretend I don't know any better as I make frivolous purchases.

I have to be more intentional about every investment of money... and of time and energy because, I'm richer than at least 85 percent of the world. I have the power to make a difference... a responsibility to act. In my mind, at least 85 percent of the world is counting on me to make a difference and to, well, reject apathy.

shift

I felt so inexplicably tired in the late afternoon today. The day of work drained me way more than usual. As I got into my car, I found myself longing to drive home and lounge on the sofa or take a nap (something I never do). Unfortunately, I needed to head to campus for a 3.5 hour night class. Most of the car ride down to campus, my mind was consumed with thoughts of how to treat myself in order to wake up.

And then, I stopped to consider - if I feel this drained after 6 hours of work in the office, how drained must a slave laborer, forced to work 12-16 hours each day, must feel at all times.

No, this train of thought didn't grant me any new sense of energy. Far from it. It did, however, help me shift my thoughts from myself to other people. This life isn't all about me and my own sense of comfort. I forget that fact way too frequently in a society that constantly screams, "Me! Me! Me!" My current state and circumstances are way beyond what most will ever know, and I need to remain grounded in the realities of other beyond just myself. Shifting focus to others is essential, and I hope to be reminded to do so time and time again.

fall

Fall is here.

I do not attribute this to the weather, for the weather certainly can't make up its mind. Perhaps the fallen red leaves that crunched under my feet on my walk today gave some semblance of fall, but I attribute this declaration to the distinctly autumn meals I had consumed recently. I love the change in ingredients and meals that comes with the turn of the seasons. At Granville, I have been enjoying their butternut squash soup. While at home, I got a taste of my mom's signature chili. Apples of all sorts have infused my meals. And tonight, I roasted some acorn squash. Topped with a bit of butter and cinnamon it was delicious and served as a perfect mark of fall.

miscellany

random things for you to check out:

1. emma thompson's art installation on sex trafficking
too bad it's in NY not LA...

2. this random song that popped up on Pandora
i love pandora

rain

I'm not usually that big of a fan of rainy days. They are best when you can curl up and watch a movie, but in reality they typically interfere with other happenings it seems.

Today, I was a fan of the rain though. Everyone moves so fast in L.A. But today, it seemed the rain created a sort of slow down. On the road, people realized they couldn't fly past or drive quite as recklessly as they generally tend to around here. And, I personally wasn't in a huge hurry when I was out and about, so the rain proved less stressful and almost, dare I say, calming. Plus, I had a little Greg Laswell to keep me company as I drove. Perfect rainy day music.

In any event, I enjoyed the gentle reminder to relax and slow down. If only I had consumed a big bowl of butternut squash soup or my mom's homemade chili - that would have been the perfect rainy day.

from scratch

I have a number of interests and passions, but I've come to realize a common vein running through them all - I love making things from scratch. Making music is all about generating melodies where there once was silence. Baking is about combing separate ingredients to form something entirely new.

At CHLA yesterday, I was designing a donor follow-up piece, thanking individuals for their contributions to a recent event. Basically, they told me they needed this piece, but the rest was up to me. (Working at a non-profit is awesome because they are generally understaffed, so you really get to get your hands dirty.) So, I had the opportunity to use my creativity to come up with the whole concept of the piece and design it - essentially make it from scratch. Though it's not done yet, it's the whole process of making something from scratch that I love.

the sold project

As you may or may not already be aware, I am intern this semester for The Sold Project, a grassroots organization committed to fighting child prostitution. Part of the reason I am so excited about this internship is that I get to learn more about child prostitution and human trafficking.

It may seem odd to desire to learn more about these issues, but I've found how easy it is for me to be apathetic. I don't understand why it can be so tempting at times to stream some mindless tv show online or read the blogs of my favorite musicians, yet it can be so hard to take the time to read about issues that really matter. I know that I need to do something to care about others more than myself and stand up against rampant injustice in the world.

It's amazing to have the opportunity to be part of something way bigger than myself. In the midst of this, I'm challenging myself to release some of the apathy in my life. And, I'm challenging you to do the same. Latch onto an issue of meaning to you and dig deeper. Demand more of yourself. I do think it's possible for each of us to make a real difference in our communities and the world at large.

Check these out:
www.thesoldproject.com
www.ijm.org
www.one.org
www.streetlightphx.com

multi-tasking

I multi-task constantly. I think we all do. Right now, for instance, I'm typing this entry, listening to music and perusing a magazine all at once. Two different e-mail inboxes are open in the background. And that's minimal multi-tasking in my mind.

Technology in all its glory continues to push multi-tasking to the forefront of how society operates. Within this societal context, I always thought the ability to multi-task was some kind of virtue. For instance, many companies desire this trait and look for employees who are able to handle many things all at once.

Recently, however, I have come across a number of articles and ideas that have forced me to approach multitasking differently. These streams of thought have called for a lessening of time spent multi-tasking. Why? By multi-tasking we lose full appreciation for the task at hand, simply jumping from one thing to the next. Our mind never truly focuses on a single subject and our attention spans are diminished.

So, I'm trying to reduce my time spent multi-tasking and approach each task with greater appreciation for its inherent self. I know it's going to be a major challenge, but I truly do think it's worth it.

blossoming

small seeds gracefully do grow
into beautiful things that spring from these rows
- eisley

black and white

I'm in the midst of designing a black and white flyer right now. There is something awesome about designing in black and white. Maybe it all routes back to my obsession with the combination of black and white and the sense of striking contrast between them.

At times, it's easy to feel that black and white is restrictive and consequently wish to use color. Yet, I often find that color can be super distracting, weakening my sense of structure. For me, it's easy to get hung up on color combinations and lose sight of the foundation of the composition at hand.

quotations

Collecting quotes is something I have grown to enjoy in the midst of my journaling and blogging. Carefully selected words carry such an unbelievable sense of power. For me, it is amazing and comforting to see how individuals centuries before experienced the same sense of wondering and feelings I experience now. In some way, I think the resonance one may feel when reflecting upon a single quote cultivates a greater attachment to humanity at large. All that being said, here is a quote I came across today that really resonated with me.

"It is not work that kills men, it is worry. Work is healthy; you can hardly put more on a man than he can bear. But worry is rust upon the blade. It is not movement that destroys the machinery, but friction."

- Henry Ward Beecher

connectedness

I went to a sweet arts/fashion event last night called GeneroCity LA. One room was set up with a variety of quotes hanging from the ceiling. This was by far my favorite:

"We cannot live for ourselves alone.
Our lives are connected
by a thousand invisible threads,
and along these sympathetic fibers,
our actions run as causes
and return to us as results."
- Herman Melville

rest

"He that can take rest is greater than he that can take cities."
- Benjamin Franklin

One of the hardest things about living in LA is the pace of life here. Everyone moves so fast. The most tangible example of this can be seen on the streets and freeways. It is constantly clear that everyone is in such a freaking hurry.

So, it's quite appropriate that I got a cold (or something of that nature) when I reentered this face-paced city. The little bout of illness has reminded me that I have to stop. I have to rest. I have to defy the message this society continually feeds to me. If I don't, I may miss out on so much of what this life has to offer.

the waltz

As I stand comfortably in my own space,
Successfully pried free from the same song and dance
I am interrupted, invaded by these steps.
A trail of footwork rudely crosses my path.

Alas, here springs forth the master of the waltz,
Stepping to and fro while repeating that song.
He glides ever so carefully foward
Evading the overwhelming weight collected at the core.

With his steps, he beckons me to join in the footwork
To usher in once more that same song and dance,
But these feet that once lived for the waltz
Now strongly refuse to carry that movement anymore.

music city

snapshots of nashville

step

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."
- Chinese Proverb

growing pains

My feet hurt right now. I’m not sure why either. I guess I’ve been standing with bare feet on hard floors too much recently? In any event, it feels just like the growing pains I got throughout my childhood.

When I think about growing pains, I think about how much hardship we have to go to in order to mature. Somehow I find myself expecting to grow without those periods of pain. Thus, when the hurting comes, I get thrown for a bit of a loop.

Time and time again, I find myself wishing I could fast forward through all that, to get to the part where I simply have all the character and resilience that arise from those experiences. But, I'm afraid that isn't how life works. It's precisely the aching that yields the growth. So, instead of constantly getting weighted down by the experience of aches and pains, I'm aligning my vision to see the beauty of growth.

waging war

I'm sick of fighting -
waging war between who I should be and who I could be.
See, there's this deep calling inside me
demanding something greater, yearning to break the mold.
But I keep being told to do the smart thing, play it on the safe side
work that 9 to 5 for the paycheck
and do my dreaming on the weekend or in the evening.

But nowadays, I just don't know -
I'm not so sure that desk job is all I'm created for.
See if I settle, I'm depriving the world of the greatness inside.
No, I'm not trying to be self-centered,
just self assured enough to recognize the laden potential.
I must go against the grain.

There's so much that must be done,
and, I daresay, my zone of comfort may get a little rough.
But, it's time I stopped flowing with the stream -
Time to embrace the unique gifts deep inside of me.
And, it's okay to wage war
with the person comfort and selfishness say I should be,
'Cause that person doesn't do justice to the passionate, true me.

creativity

“To live a creative life, we must lose our fear of being wrong.”
- Joseph Chilton Pearce

It is true. Creativity requires risk-taking... lots of it. Many times I find myself holding back from doing things I envision because of the overwhelming fear of being wrong. However, the times I release that fear and allow myself to exercise a bit of innovation are totally rewarding.

esperanza

I had the amazing opportunity to go to Mexico these past few days to visit a children's home outside of Rocky Point called Esperanza Para Los Ninos ("hope for the children"). It is home to around 25 children (and many more coming soon) whose parents are in jail or are drug abusers, alcoholics, prostitutes, etc. It was eye-opening to see the lacking conditions in which these children live. I was more astonished, however, by the incredible joy within them. We are told time and time again that true joy is not a product of current situation or circumstance. Sometimes it can be hard for us to fully digest... but each of these children are a clear example of that truth.














The experience makes me wonder how I ever complain. No matter what I'm going through, my situation in no way compares to theirs. It also makes me wonder how I can ever pretend that I don't have more to give. We cannot stop giving. Ever. Not while there are people - children like these - in real need.


























Esperanza really needs a lot of help to continue on and support these children. Let me know if you want to help with their constant list of needs. Just a little bit of our money goes a heck of a long way for them, so every bit truly helps. www.esperanzachildrenshome.com

garbage bags

I came across this stat while reading this book called Cure for the Common Life today...

"American's shell out more for garbage bags than 90 of the world's 210 countries spend for everything."

I've heard similar mentions before how rich we are here in America, but this one really hit me. The fact that the amount I spend on garbage bags surpasses so many people's entire spending is a bit unbelievable to me. And, needless to say, this knowledge makes me feel quite guilty. As I sit typing this, I can look around the room and see various prices jumping out at me, most of which effortlessly put the cost of garbage bags to shame. Even the cheapest items in my room contain greater... essentially wasted... value.

In the face of stats like this one, suddenly you realize that the spending decisions we see as so minimal - the bit of ice cream or coffee drink - mean everything. Think about it. Sacrifice the cost of a meal out a week and you can feed a family for at least a whole week. SERIOUSLY? How do we hear things like that and not get worked up. It's terrible and terrific all at once - terrible that there is such an imbalance of wealth - terrific that we hold within our hands the power to totally change someone's life.

I hope every time I buy grocery bags now, I'm a bit unsettled. In fact, I hope every time I buy something I don't truly need (which really is most any purchase I make) I feel more than a bit uncomfortable. I want this line of thought to force me to reconsider, and refuse to make, unnecessary purchases throughout my life. Instead, I want I put that value towards changing someone's life. Yes, I have in my grasp the ability to change someone's life. That is an incredible honor we all hold.

hello

On my walks around the neighborhood lately, I've become incredibly aware of this strange tendency of people to not say hello these days. Most of the time, I find myself in encounters where the other individual literally looks the other way or pretends not to notice me approaching. Most are almost taken aback by the cheerful "hello" or "good morning" I spout off as I pass.

Maybe it's not the standard these days, but I am of the persuasion that you should be friendly and give some acknowledgment of the other person's presence. For a bit, I felt awkward as the one always initiating the greeting, so I'd only say something on occasion. But now, I've made it a challenge for myself to make sure to greet everyone I pass.

Because, here's my thought: we are relational beings. The larger our cities become, the more easy it is to become anonymous... and yes, the more lonely and isolated people become. I never know what that other person is going through. They may have a huge happy family or they may not have a single soul to call their friend. I simply do not know, so why not say hello? Yeah, they may think I'm crazy or overly-friendly... but besides the requiring the tiniest bit of effort, what does it cost me to reach out in the easiest of ways?

So, what say you we start a movement of the walkers, elevator riders, coffee shop goers... you name it... who care enough to say the simplest hello? I'm willing to bet that little act can make all the difference in this crazy world.

miracles

"There are only two ways to live your life: One is as though nothing is a miracle, the other as if everything is."
- Albert Einstein

It's crazy how deeply our lives are affected by our perception of things. Some days I know I do simply live in the realm of the ordinary, plodding through, stripping the day of its greatness. For whatever odd reason, sometimes that's the easier road to choose.

If you ask me, though, it's far better to live the latter life - the one that considers everything a miracle. If nothing else, life becomes so much more meaningful. And, I do believe everything is indeed a miracle: the fact that we wake up each day, living and breathing... extremely blessed lives, I might add.

Even in the commonplace things that we take for granted lie countless miracles. The fact that we can communicate with others around us is incredible. The ability of technology these days is mind-blowing. The sights and sound of nature: more miracles. And, it's also a miracle that I can spend an evening with my dear friend Maggie mixing seemingly random ingredients together to open the oven to these:














lemon poppyseed muffins!

In any event, Einstein was right and I'm choosing to live the latter. Every ounce of life is a miracle.

cranberry 'n oat minis

Baked some bite-sized cookies this morning. Indecision almost got the best of me as I struggled to figure out what I wanted to bake. In the end, though, these were a great choice - perfect for popping in your mouth for a mini treat at any time... or you know, snacking on 15 or so during the cooking process (ha, don't worry I didn't down quite that many).

I'd describe them as cookies with granola bar tendencies. The batter is made out of whole wheat pastry flour, oats and almond meal. Cinnamon adds a touch of spice, and the dried cranberries and maple syrup bring in a nice flare of sweetness. Mmmm.

shattering contentment

Today I was told by someone with good intentions that I "deserve" a Lexus. Now, a little sidenote: many of those that know me are fully aware I love the Lexus IS250. It's a beautiful car. When I see one, I'm sure to point it out... especially if it's charcoal gray.

But back to the statement that was made: I truly didn't know how to react. Certainly I don't deserve a Lexus. Not when I know that kids around the world are going to sleep starving tonight. Not when I know that helpless women are being forced into prostitution right in this city. No, I don't deserve a Lexus. Why should I deserve better than anyone else?

What unsettles me most, though, is the realization that it is so much easier for me to point out this problem with words than to actually act accordingly. See, the truth is, if someone set the money for that Lexus in front of me, I might just buy it. In fact, if we are honest, I probably would. I'd see that shiny car, envision myself in the driver's seat and in no time snag one to call it my own. Within the confines of my comfortable lifestyle, it's easy to think I deserve wealth and material possessions. In fact, that's the message society, and even those who care about me, feed to me on a daily basis.

Clearly I'm not above all this, and can't simply surrender my material possessions or wealth with ease. I struggle with it just as much as anyone else. But this thought today was a flag to me, an indicator that I'm on the right path. Bit by bit, my contentment is fading, and I'm beginning to demand more of my life.

I know I'm supposed to live with compassion... the kind that isn't okay with being comfortable while others suffer... the kind that isn't satisfied with cruising around in a Lexus while villages lack running water... the kind that truly demands justice. I'm not yet filled with pure compassion, and I know I've got a lot of work to do to get anywhere near there, but I'm on track, and I'm determined to keep progressing.

stepping forward

"Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced."
- James Baldwin

the unthinkable

"To achieve the impossible, it is precisely the unthinkable that must be thought."
- Tom Robbins


















The unthinkable.
Trapped within oppressive boundaries,
unable to break free, all imagination is stifled.
Wish all you want, but there are simply too many things that cannot be.
Childhood dreams, well, they are simply that.
As you grow into maturity, cast them aside.
I'm not a pessimist. No, this - is simply being in touch with reality.

The unthinkable.
Those things that must be thought.
Those things that have to be.
Awaken that relentless spirit within
and give rise to the incredible
and this whole new realm of possibility.
Here things that formerly couldn't be - now intersect with reality.

the process

"The recognition of the value of the journey, as opposed to the imagined value points of ending, informs the idea of process."
- Tomato, art collective

Yes, life is indeed all about the process. It's a journey. Value can be found in each step of the way, not simply the destination. I experience this concept in so many facets each day of my life, be it in the creation of a flyer for work or in the composition of a new song or in forging relationships with those around me. It even shows up in the baking I do at home.

Below is my latest baking endeavor - carrot cake. In the case of baking, when the oven timer signals the conclusion of baking, the process is far from over, for consumption of the baked goods is a process in itself. Anyone who knows me well can attest to my (perhaps abnormal) tendency to savor the process of eating dessert. I take rather small bites, taking in the flavor of each and every bite at a relaxed pace. So, I'm challenging myself to carry this principle over to other areas of my life, appreciating the process no matter where it shows up.

stronger

I can't say I've loved everything that's taken place in the past few years in my life. Changes come that completely throw me for a loop at times. Try as I might, I can't control every element of my life, especially not the decisions of others.

The past few years have been teaching me something new though -- when you allow time to run its course, those experiences that may have taken you by surprise - those are the ones that make you stronger. Those are the things that make you the person you are today.

So, yeah, if I had total control there are things in my life that I'd probably change - ill experiences I'd rather do without. But, if I had my way, I certainly wouldn't be near as strong as I was made to be.

heartbreak

It is estimated that 2 children are sold every minute.

About 1.2 children are trafficked annually.

The United Nations estimates the total market value of human trafficking at $32+ billion a year.

Human Trafficking is now considered the 2nd largest and fastest growing illegal trafficking activity in the world.

www.ijm.org
www.love146.org
www.unicef.org

granola

Despite my deep love of granola, I have never tried making any from scratch... until today that is. And, for whatever reason, I didn't expect the granola to release such an enticing aroma while cooking. The scent of cooking oats fused with coconut oil was oh-so alluring. Needless to say I was quite anxious to taste the result.














I was rather pleased with the product - a granola that tasted so completely natural and fresh - nothing like the packaged processed store-bought varieties I so frequently consume. In the end, it had a nice sweetness that wasn't too overwhelming - just what I was hoping for.

FYI: I followed a recipe from Heidi Swanson's Super Natural Cooking with a few slight alterations.

in the kitchen

There is something therapeutic about baking and cooking, so I'm hoping to do a lot more of it this summer.

Today, I tried my hand at baking some "healthy" cookies. I must say it's a bit odd making cookies without butter, eggs, flour or sugar. They actually turned out to be pretty delish if I do say so myself. Check out the recipe here.

from fallen fragments

And I sat there watching intently,
My eyes locked on to each grain of sand.
One by one they slipped effortlessly through my grasp.
All the while I pressed forth
Fighting to clench my fists ever tighter.
But the momentum of the particles
Lay outside my reign of control it seemed.
The power to make it all stop
Was beyond the determined spirit within me.

And now I wonder,
As I glance with pain upon the scattered pieces,
Is there a way to piece it all back together?
Can I return each grain to its former resting place?
Rewind through the blur of discomfort
And instead make certain it will hold fast?
Or is every trace of the beauty that once was
Truly lost forever?

I fear the latter is true
For, it wasn’t my lack of effort
That allowed each grain to so easily pass.
And, too, my persisting struggle alone
Can’t resurrect the past.
But instead of returning to some prior state,
Perhaps a flicker of possibility lies
Within those fallen fragments.
And soon, from them, a new glimmer will rise.

endurance

"Endurance is not just the ability to bear a hard thing,
but to turn it into glory."
- William Barclay

the push

I'm an introvert. Not just slightly, either. For anyone familiar with Myers-Briggs, I sway introversion v. extraversion 22/30.

It's not that I don't like social situations though. In fact, I love the concept of communication, and it's obviously embedded within such situations. Initially, I'm that shy person though - the one who doesn't call much attention to herself and feels a bit awkward at times. And, when I'm around extroverts, it's likely I won't even try to compete to get a word in. On the other hand, I've been told I'm a great presenter/public speaker/overall communicator.

So, I'm an introvert that loves communication. It sounds like an odd combo, I know. I questioned it myself, but then not too long ago, I got to talk to someone I respect and admire, who actually shares this combo, and that conversation has allowed me to embrace it.

In any event, this combo means that sometimes I need the push. Without it, I cling to my introvert ways. There's no telling what form the push takes, but once I get it, something magical happens, leading me into my communicating element.

All this to say to life, bring on the push...time and time again. I'll admit, I don't always like the push at first, but it is truly worth it in the end.

the waiting

splendor lies within the waiting
though patience is not always my forte
i realize this must first pass
for that to reach fruition

each moment of the waiting
readies me for what's to come
makes me stronger, wiser
reinforces the reflection

and the very realization
casts a smile in place of doubt
for in the waiting there is growth
that gives way to peace

happy easter

"The people living in darkness have seen a great light;
on those living in the land of the shadow of death
a light has dawned."
- Matthew 4:16

hope

after night... dawn is there
- david crowder band

the winding path

The winding path that lies ahead,
Worn by others, but fresh to these feet,
That path does not fork merely into two:
Turn right and choose life, left and accept death.

No, that path instead forks a hundred times over,
Each branch marked not by absolute white or black,
But instead by intervening shades of gray,
Beckoning the adventurer who refuses to turn back.

indecision

The wheels of the cart vibrated down the cereal aisle, generating an annoying humming noise. Suddenly, a stop. Wheaties? Nah. Raisin Bran? Well, maybe, but Raisin Bran is too much like the other bran cereal I just had. Did I buy Shredded Oats too recently? Cheerios might work, I guess...

I live life in a state of indecisiveness a lot, and not just in the realm of groceries. The thought of choosing - be it a small-scale purchase decision or a larger-scale decision of life direction - often paralyzes me. Fear haunts me, considering the very real possibility of choosing "wrong."

But then I know not all decisions are so black and white as I make them out to be. Why then do I allow the fear to consume me? The most damaging part of it all is the immobilization it spawns within me. I don't take enough chances or risks because it seems I'd rather play it safe than face the possibility of choosing wrong.

I don't know where to go in the future. I find myself wrestling a lot. But, I need to get over the decision-making process and realize that the real life trial and error is okay. In fact, it's good. Hypothetical situations get you nowhere in the shadow of actual experience. So, may I be confident wherever I go, whatever path I take... because there isn't right or wrong in these realms. There is simply opportunity waiting to be seized.

imperfection

"Don't always make things perfect.
Perfectionism doesn't leave room for imagination."
- neueministry.com

time

The passage of time is an incredibly odd thing to consider. There are points where things simply cannot won't pass quickly enough and other points when everything flies by, unable to be stopped.

In this moment, I can think about specific events, conversations and experiences that occurred a year or two ago, recalling them as if they were just yesterday. But, they didn't occur just yesterday. Things have changed so much since then. People have changed. I have changed. Erase the passage of time between the two points and it all becomes quite puzzling.

In the same breath, the futurist inside of me constantly craves what is to come and the latent possibility within everything. It's strange to realize how things appearing in the distant future will fly by and in time become those elements of the past which I reflect back upon.

"Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak.
Sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go."
-Author Unknown

strive

"I am seeking. I am striving. I am in it with all my heart."
- Vincent Van Gogh

fallen wishes

I wonder – how did it come to be like this?
I must admit it’s quite strange and even unsettling to consider.
I know I didn’t aim for it all to be this way.
In fact, this current state might be how I least expected things to be.
All along, I wished for it to be so much different.
But then again, wishes don’t always come true do they?
It may seem odd, but sometimes it’s truly better that they don’t
Because my wishes aren’t always formed with full sight.
But it’s clearer now that there is one who sees the big picture ahead
and having that bit of certainty is becoming enough for me.

perseverance

"This is what the good guys do. They keep trying.
They don't give up."
- The Road, Cormac McCarthy

the small things

It baffles me how wandering thoughts about the seemingly insignificant can keep me so restless at night. Last night, my mind became completely imprisoned by thoughts of how I may or may not have screwed up on my midterm - a clear waste of energy seeing that it has passed and, well, it is just a midterm. Generally the thoughts that keep awake have something to do with school and me being too hard on myself, maintaining some ridiculous objective of perfection.

In any event, I recognize how absurd all these concerns are, but somehow in the middle of the night or early morning hours I simply cannot shake them off. Instead, I toss and turn, angry with myself for allowing these things to get to me. Even when I try to focus on other subjects, it seems impossible to keep my thoughts from returning to these petty concerns.

The sleep deprivation that results is not pleasant, but what bothers me the most is this --- while people across the world are facing incredible hardship, I still sit here worrying about that one answer on that one test. So in the midst of it all, I'm seeking true peace and an ability to shift my meaningless, selfish worries to more well-founded, selfless concerns.

pause

As I sat on a bench on campus today between meetings, it felt quite strange not having homework or a computer on my lap. In sitting doing nothing, I almost didn't know what to do with myself. I'll be honest, I couldn't handle it for long, so I quickly snatched a notebook and pen from my bag to begin writing some thoughts down.

Do you ever stop to consider how foreign the concept of free time feels in this day and age? We dash from one thing to the next, moving so quickly that we forget to breathe. To sit and do nothing - it's just odd. There's a voice telling you to always do more, keep moving, never stop. If you have free time - well, you just aren't doing enough.

Why is that? Why don't we allow ourselves to simply do nothing? We seem to insist that by sitting on a bench we are wasting time that could be invested in so many other pursuits. But are we really wasting time? Don't we need that chance to hit pause more than many of the tasks we jam in its place?

sketchbook

pencil + paper + good tunes = highly therapeutic.

this place

There is a place -

A place where things once dull
Are inexplicably illuminated from within

A place where each breath
Upon filling the lungs, yields awakening.

At first, this place seems distant,
Held hostage in some far off land -

But through surrender we soon discover
This place lies just round the bend.

Yes, there is a place -

A place where true joy
is not supplementary but instead necessity

A place where defeat from burdens
becomes but a thing of the past.

Pause long enough and finally claim
this place as home at last.

risk

"Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much because they live in the gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat."
- Teddy Roosevelt

be still

"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived."
-Henry David Thoreau

more photoshop fun

If you can't already tell, I'm quite a fan of grunge-style design. I wish these displayed better in here though. Please follow the directions from the previous entry for optimal viewing. This will fix the size and get rid of the strange blur action.

reviving photoshop

The neglect of Photoshop and favoring of Illustrator has been quite out of hand since my digital tools course, and I thought it was time to give Photoshop a chance to shine. As such, here's a collage involving a poem I posted previously:

The path to optimal viewing:
1) Click on the image to enlarge.
2) Once it's big, right click on the image itself and select "view image."
This should make it a more ideal viewing size.

songwriting

Major highlight of break: opportunity for songwriting

Since it seems you cannot post songs on this blog, check em out here.
(First two are from this break. The third is from the summer.)

release

It’s the art of letting go,
And I really wish I could tell you it came with ease.
But I know that simply wouldn’t be the truth,
For my tendency is to cling, not to release.

My reliance has rested not in the creator,
But instead in people who are bound to fail.
I know that communion with others is essential,
But union with the source must first be the core of this tale.

So, while my tendency is to cling, not to release,
I’m letting go, chasing true joy and perfect peace.

what if I'm wrong?

What if this belief I hold so dearly
is rooted in absurdity?
What if the faith I breathe so deeply
is all a lie?

I know it’s not.
There is certainty within me
that shatters all doubt.

But for the sake of those
whose questioning this response does not quench,
I’ll entertain the notion that I could be wrong.

To them I say –
Why not believe?
Live a life of meaning, of purpose, of passion.

Why not let belief urge one onward
and be the force that propels the soul
through pain, sorrow and emptiness
to love, joy, and fullness?

Because even if I am wrong in the end,
this act of believing is what drives me
to dream bigger and live this life to the fullest.
This act of believing is what transforms my life
and allows me to see beauty along the way.

So, to you I say,
why not believe in something greater?